Journal Writing- for school

There will hopefully be three journal entries by the end of this week for my school activity. Can you guys give me any kind of feedback please because I need to improve for schoolwork.


Dear Journal:
I am so mad! I have never been more humiliated in my entire life; especially in front of all those people. I can't believe my best friend, Ben, had betrayed me like that. We agreed that my secret would stay secret, however, he had just blurted it out to all his friends. I feel like my 'inner santuary' was obliterated by a strong and powerful tornado with no mercy that destroys everything it crosses path with. Leaving behind a trail of darkness, depression and despair.

Dear Journal:
I am so mad! I have never been more humiliated in my entire life; especially in front of all those people. I can't believe my best friend, Ben, betrayed me like that. We agreed that my secret would stay a secret, but he had just blurted it out to all his friends. I feel like my 'inner sanctuary' was obliterated by a strong, powerful tornado with no mercy that destroys everything, leaving behind a trail of darkness, depression and despair.


Small peer critic. Pretty awesome, a few spelling/grammar issues there. Also, "a strong, powerful tornado with no mercy that destroys everything" doesn't sit well witn me. However, the story is great, and I can't wait to read more.

A tumultuous tornado that eviscerates all in its path, sounds much more sophisitimacated.

It was entertaining.