Apple Rant

Sure, Apple fanboys can pull out (in addition to their knives, pitchforks, and torches) as many gems as they want such as NOVA, Infinity Blade, Rage HD, Chaos Rings, among others, and show them to me in an attempt to dwindle my statement to nothing but bullcrap. But, as cool as those games are, they don’t, nor may they ever, compare to the games found on the Sony PlayStation Portable or Nintendo DS. Why, you may ask? Read on to find out!

NO BUTTONS

First and foremost, there is the very bitter fact that the iOS devices don’t have buttons. Face it, fanboys: buttons do matter, and those virtual doppelgangers just won’t cut it. Believe it or not, many games on the App Store seriously need buttons to become a heck of a lot better. How so? Take the game Battle Bears -1 for example. In the game, you’re expected to shoot down “huggables” with the gritty force of a machine gun and other weapons. Groovy ideas…until you have to shoot with one joystick, navigate with another, and switch weapons, view options, and access maps with separate panels.

So what’s the deal? Sure, you can access all of that with a tap, but with a push of a button, you can do all of that and more. Yes’m, you heard correctly. Buttons give you more options, and are 100% guaranteed to make apps better…granted the developer knows how to take advantage of them. Buttons also give you a prettier picture. When all of that clutter is out of the way, you can finally take in those drop-dead gorgeous games like Epic Games’ Infinity Blade, Spider-Man: Total Mayhem, and others. Plus, you don’t have to lift your thumb and disturb your game to see if there’s an enemy right under your “joystick”.

SHOVELWARE

Trust me, not all of the apps in the App Store were made for gaming. In fact, an overwhelming majority of those games really suck. Hard. Very few of the apps you’ll see will last you over 10 minutes at a time. In fact, many of the games lack concept. iPhone devs expect you to launch a bird and kill a pig. How dull. Wouldn’t you rather take down mighty bosses, unravel mysteries, fight loads of enemies, and go back and forth through time all the while trying to save a princess/the world? Of course you do.
Seriously, though, the only real gems that are the closest (not close, there’s a difference) to handheld quality are FPS’, RPG’s, and the occasional racing game. Serious gamers might know that that’s not a satisfying or diverse title selection. In fact, some would look at it and say that Apple is evolving into more of a Microsoft than a Sony (I’m looking at you, Xbox). Plus, there are only a handful of major companies that are building quality apps for the iOS, and Apple, shamefully, isn’t one of them. You can just pick one random PSP or DS title, and it would no doubt blow the iDevices out of the water.

APPLE’S “HALF-TRUTHS”

This is what really ticks me off. Last September, Apple boasted that they sold more iPod Touch units than Sony and Nintendo combined. Really? Worldwide, DS has sold well over 135 million units, and if you add that to the PSP’s 61 million, you get 191 million handheld gaming units sold to date. Apple told us that they (from what I remember) sold 35 million iPod units. So it’s either Apple’s not good with math, or they have lied to the public. You decide.
Second, Apple says that many of the games you get on the App Store are free; but did they tell you had to often pay for full versions (or wait ‘til it’s a Free App of the Day), free apps regularly have advertisements, and they’re not guaranteed to be be…well, good? Also, they told you that the full versions are at a solid $0.99—$1.99 (or more) price range. However, did they tell you that with most things “you get what you pay for,” and that what you pay for is a quick, cheap attempt at a video game that is addicting and mindless, but not fun? No? You should try to get your money back…which brings us to our next subject:

NO HARDCOPIES

Duh…if you knew a thing about iOS devices, you would know that apps are strictly download-only. The advantages are:

• You don’t have to fiddle around with UMDs or Game Cards.
• You can get rid of the game at any time by deleting it.
• They’re always in one place: your device.
• Apps are cheaper…they heal your wallet.

However, the disadvantages may outweigh the advantages:

• With Apple, refunds are highly discouraged. They might even deny you the right to refund it.
• There’s a little “magic” involved when you purchase a game, or get one for a gift. To think that a developer put loads of time into it, just for you or someone else, makes some people feel all tingly inside.
• You can keep an unlimited collection, rather than sticking with Apple’s 11-page policy.
• You don’t have to wait for updates if an app is broken. Sometimes, update fixes may even delete your progress. Time to start over…again!
• Apps are cheaper…they make you question the developer’s sanity and may make your brain cry.
• iDevices don’t make you any cooler…no matter what the word on the street says.

On a final note, I use my iPod Touch for virtually everything, and it’s a great device. However, I use it for gaming more than anything else, and as a PSP and Sony-loving, DS-diehard (yes, we exist), iTouch gaming should be disregarded. Completely.

Stay Snazzy and Peace Out,

Neverwinter

Editor’s Note:

Spoiler: