Neverwinter XIII Silent Intent
Assistant '10 : Member '10 : Posts : 982 HWPoints : 6345 Join date : 2010-07-24
| Subject: The Omen Tue Nov 16, 2010 6:26 pm | |
| The Omen Episode I
Wind blasted through my silvery-blonde hair. Midnight crept slowly through the cloudy night. My light, gray coat offered little protection against the hard sheets of rain. I began across through the rickety wooden bridge, cautiously watching for those three planks of wood that came loose a few weeks ago. Lightning struck the vulnerable sky, followed by a massive thunderclap that reminded me to pay attention to the path ahead. The rough, bristly rope felt as if it withered away every time I brushed my hand against it. Moonlight peered through the ruthless clouds and hid behind them again. I lowered my head and held my collar against my nose and mouth to stop the rain that dripped down my face. I crossed the dangerous bridge and made my way towards the iron gate that pounded with the natural motion of the icy wind. I checked the lock to see if they remembered that I’d be back before dawn. I shook the rusty bars and sighed in frustration. I swiftly scrambled in my semi-deep pocket and tried to recognize all of the items: a miniature pool of chilly rainwater, a little vial of red tea I purchased back at Kyroh. It was nothing more than a wet glass of liquid that had as much fluid as a blood sample. And…something else that lurked near the bottom lining. It felt warm compared to the tea, and was made of wool. I quickly pulled it out so I can get to my home quickly; my anxiety for warmth and comfort at home took control of my entire body and mind. All I longed for in this dreaded rain was to find the master key to the gate and rush to my simple abode. The strange object was a sack of coins I also received from Kyroh, too my dismay. They were all made of dirt-ridden silver and were altogether worth forty-five lin*. I sighed, and placed the coins back into my pocket. I reached into my other pocket and searched for the key, longing for the warmth of the pleasing fireplace in my home. I rapidly rummaged around the interior of my black pants to find the key. I familiarized myself with a cold, tarnished metal that left me relieved. I wiped my hair from the heavy rain and speedily schlepped through the muddy field. I passed through a meadow accented by a single sakura in the middle, whose leaves fluttered violently with the wind. Usually, it was calm and tranquil, a sign of good luck. But not today. No, today was very different. *currency
Might finish this...someday. Probably my best attempt at epic fantasy. Anyway, discuss. o-o
Last edited by Neverwinter on Wed Nov 17, 2010 12:02 pm; edited 2 times in total | |
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Avogadro Sʇǝɥdǝu
Funny Guy '10 : Posts : 645 HWPoints : 1884 Join date : 2010-07-24
| Subject: Re: The Omen Tue Nov 16, 2010 11:26 pm | |
| It's good, except right here [I began trekking through the rickety wooden bridge] it should be across, not through | |
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FuzzY The Chosen One
Posts : 206 HWPoints : 927 Join date : 2010-10-23
| Subject: Re: The Omen Wed Nov 17, 2010 12:22 am | |
| I like it,good story | |
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LolICU WHAT THE FUDGE
Posts : 541 HWPoints : 3206 Join date : 2010-10-31
| Subject: Re: The Omen Wed Nov 17, 2010 12:24 am | |
| DIG YOUR WAY THRU THE WOODEN BRIDGE!!!! WAHHH!!! lmao Detailed story (a little too detailed maybe?), but I didn't understand what your storyline was and wasn't very epic . It's pretty good though. | |
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EpicPhlamerZ Python
Posts : 309 HWPoints : 2287 Join date : 2010-08-13
| Subject: Re: The Omen Wed Nov 17, 2010 1:01 am | |
| That's pretty cool nice work I don't understand this though: I quickly pulled it out so I can get to my home quickly. quoted directly from line 8-9 of the second paragraph. | |
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Neverwinter XIII Silent Intent
Assistant '10 : Member '10 : Posts : 982 HWPoints : 6345 Join date : 2010-07-24
| Subject: Re: The Omen Wed Nov 17, 2010 11:53 am | |
| - LolICU wrote:
- DIG YOUR WAY THRU THE WOODEN BRIDGE!!!! WAHHH!!! lmao
Detailed story (a little too detailed maybe?), but I didn't understand what your storyline was and wasn't very epic . It's pretty good though. You can expect more epic stuff as I edit this... "Might finish this...someday." I'm thinking about turning it around and setting it up like the opening of Uncharted 2; when it goes from a vague opening, to a more clearer one as the story unfolds. - Raymond wrote:
- That's pretty cool nice work :Smile:
I don't understand this though: I quickly pulled it out so I can get to my home quickly. quoted directly from line 8-9 of the second paragraph. You know what that means, do you? It means...*dramatic look*...more revisions. *cue dramatic music* /unknown reference Edit: I fixed those mistakes y'all were complaining about. Thanks for your input. | |
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FuzzY The Chosen One
Posts : 206 HWPoints : 927 Join date : 2010-10-23
| Subject: Re: The Omen Fri Nov 19, 2010 3:17 am | |
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Scrubby Lightning Thief
TDP4 Lead '10 : Posts : 783 HWPoints : 1387 Join date : 2010-08-14
| Subject: Re: The Omen Thu Dec 30, 2010 2:11 am | |
| Love it. Very descriptive and it goes into depth. The way you read the words, it just makes me wanna keep reading. Intro was great. | |
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