97 notches

The first part of my book. It's a letter from an ex-soldier, to the woman he loves. It's still kinda rough, so point out any rough spots.

Dear Victoria,

I just thought I’d write to say hello. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you. How have you been? I hope you’re having fun. I can just picture you now, your long blonde hair waving in the breeze, your youthful smile, beckoning to come closer. I remember the first time I saw that smile. It was back in 2557, back when I was still Staff Sargent Ozone. You remember the code names don’t you? I was Ozone, you were Staple. Jean was Wicket, and Samuel was Tether. Ah, the god old days, back in Squad 14. I remember it well, the elite group of soldiers. I led, you by my side. Remember The Ordeal? Less than 30, and the best tester we had ever had. Yes, you were amazing, and beautiful at that. Even my old memories take my breath away. I remember accepting you as our own, but I was skeptical. I kept an eye on you. Protected you. The skirmish on Karr II was the first. We were camping out, following orders, no real purpose. I remember the gleam in your eye as you beat Tether in poker for the hundredth time. I remember the crisp air, the rustle of the ferns. I leaned back, hands behind my head. I loved watching the stars. I loved he way they twinkled, as if the universe itself was sending me a message. I ran a hand over my gun, feeling the notches, counting them, remembering each one. I still have that old paperweight. 97 notches I put in it. 97 lives taken by my own hand. And as I lay there that night, it was as if each star was a soul, winking from its celestial perch, casually watching for us to make a move.

Good. Needs a few corrections...

"Ah, the god old days, back in Squad 14..." *good

"I remember it well, the elite group of soldiers. I led, you by my side. "

You need to fix these sentences to make it sound more correct. Here's a good example:

"Everything was all too familiar, from the constant drills, to the sirens; from the elite group of soldiers, to you. My mind speedily chose to lead with you by my side."

Try to make it sound more like an actual person/soldier would say.

Quote :

I can just picture you now, your long blonde hair waving in the breeze, your youthful smile, beckoning to come closer.

Doesn't sound like what an actual soldier would say imo.

Got a good storyline, just need to work on it a bit more.

KiLLErMaN99 wrote:

Try to make it sound more like an actual person/soldier would say.

Quote :

I can just picture you now, your long blonde hair waving in the breeze, your youthful smile, beckoning to come closer.

Doesn't sound like what an actual soldier would say imo.

Got a good storyline, just need to work on it a bit more.

But what if he was madly in love with her? Plus, all he has is memories, because, well, she's dead.

Staff Sargent Ozone
Sergeant*

I can just picture you now, your long blonde hair waving in the breeze, your youthful smile, beckoning to come closer

Put a period after breeze. Might be a few other minor mistakes, but that was a nice piece of writing. Although most likely you're going to find it hard to continue with that start. GL with your "book", or short-story?

LolICU wrote:

Staff Sargent Ozone
Sergeant*

I can just picture you now, your long blonde hair waving in the breeze, your youthful smile, beckoning to come closer

Put a period after breeze.

Not a period. Semi-colon.

^you beat me to it.

I like your style kid. Keep it up.

Fixed all appointed mistakes.

Thanks for the help guys.